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Differences and disagreements
The differences
When we choose a partner, we are attracted both by their
similarities to us and by their differences.
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Similarity means we can share interests for the future and understand
where each other is coming from. Differences
can be exciting and bring new things to the relationship. But
differences can also become troubling.
Understanding each other's background experiences and expectations
of each other helps. Hidden
feelings and past experiences affect how we behave:
understanding yourself and your partner will make you more realistic
and prepared for the pleasures and challenges of a life together.
Through talking and listening we learn about differences - in
background, upbringing, feelings and needs. It's
often the way partners complement each other that makes relationships
work.
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“I used to feel that we had to agree…
want the same things, enjoy the same things and when we
didn't I said to him 'that's it, it'll never work'. We never
agree about holidays. I want to laze in the sun and he wants
lots of activity… it's taken me a while to see it but
I like the way he makes me do things and he says I help
him to relax.”
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The disagreements
As part of discovering differences it's inevitable that partners
will disagree. Having a discussion about difficulties and things
you disagree over is the best way to make you both happy, helping
you both to recognise and respect your differences. But when
differences are aired, uncomfortable feelings can be stirred up
that are not always easy to control.
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“We went through a stage where we argued
an awful lot; we couldn't walk home without arguing - we
could keep to the subject at 'dogs' and still end up arguing.
We even argued about which dog we were going to have when
we married.”
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The same old argument
If it's the same old argument that keeps cropping up again and
again, keep a sense of humour and try and work out a way of dealing
with it. If it always ends up in a slanging match, at least agree
to put the subject on hold for the time being and discuss it another
time.
Positives can cancel the negatives
People who are good communicators are often good at managing
their differences. After all, arguing is a form of communication.
If you aren't good at managing your differences, understanding
them and the feelings behind them is what matters. Rows
are often just the symptom that we feel our partner isn't supporting
us, that they're not 'there for us'.
If there are lots of other times when
you show affection, warmth, enthusiasm and humour towards each
another, these can make up for the times when you fall out.
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“It is mainly the rows that will sort
things out, when you actually talk about how you are feeling…When
something goes wrong and you have an argument, that is when
you are actually telling the person how you feel.”
“When we first married if I got upset
I would always bring it up. It was always me saying something
was wrong and him saying he would do better. As time went
on he got fed up with it and I began avoiding the upset
of sorting it out - the talk, the tears and then the making
up. I started leaving things but then they didn't get sorted.
It's hard to stay close then.Now… he will sometimes
raise problems and I am much better at accepting him - the
good bits and the bits that will never change. I can ignore
some stuff - but there are still times when we have to sort
things even if we just shout at each another. You just have
to clear the air and not go into a major sulk.”
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“I find our arguments quite reassuring.
It's a part of the attraction thing for me and for Mike.
After 13 years together we haven't lost interest in fighting
our corners.”
“There is a definite pattern to our
fights… it's mainly me, I get anxious about something
and then I have a go at him. He stands up for himself but
he doesn't wind me up, he takes me seriously. After a bit
I just calm down. He gives me space for a bit and then checks
to see I'm OK. 'Want a cup of tea love?' sort of thing.”
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