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The 'what ifs' - how to raise them
Once you've identified the big issues for you, you'll need to
raise them with your partner. Not always easy: 'what
ifs' can arouse uncomfortable feelings.
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Couples say it's
not easy to talk about what might happen in the future: |
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"It's depressing to think about what
would happen if you broke up - if you start thinking about
that doesn't it mean your relationship is dodgy?"
"Since we had the baby I feel much more
worried about the future; being responsible for another
life is scary. For the first time I have nightmares about
something happening to me or to Mark. I wonder if it bothers
him in the same way."
"Liz started raising all this stuff
about what would happen to her if I changed my mind or fell
under a bus. I thought it was quite insulting, didn't she
trust me?"
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Using someone else's experience to get a discussion going
A real example of a 'what if' gives you something to talk about
together. That way, you can turn a worry about the future into
a way of expressing your love for each other. Using other people's
experiences gives you a starting point that isn't threatening:
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“Paul's brother was killed in an accident
on his bike. On top of her grief his partner had all sorts
of problems financially. Paul said he knew that his brother
would have wanted her to have everything and it got us thinking;
what if that happened to us? The solicitor who helped us
buy our flat explained what we had to do, it wasn't as complicated
as we thought.”
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Before you raise things…
…think about what your real concern is
Think about how you express your worry; about how your partner's
likely to react.
…think about what your real worry is
Is it your financial security, being able to stay in the family
home, responsibility for the children? Whatever it is, if it really
matters to you, your partner is far more likely to feel concerned
than defensive. That's important if you are going to work out
together how to turn that worry into action.
…think about how you express your worry
If you tackle the issue in a way that accuses your partner of
not protecting you and your children, he or she will concentrate
on defending themselves, so they won't hear what your worries
are.
How you say things is important. Talk about your feelings, not
your partner's failings. Explain your fears - then they have something
to relate to.
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"Kerry wanted us to marry - her mum
had pushed it and so Kerry kept raising it - she kept saying
'you don't really care about me and the baby', but that
isn't true."
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…think
about your partner's likely reaction
If you know he or she is likely to be defensive, think about
why.
"Deep down I know that Pete loves me
and would do anything for me but he has a thing about marriage.
He was married before and it broke up very bitterly. He thinks
not getting married makes things simpler for us. I'm not bothered
about getting married but I don't want me or our kids to lose
out - and I can see that could happen."
If your partner is defensive, try lowering the ante - you want to
get them on board with subjects they can relate to. A committed
partner doesn't want to leave their partner and children in a vulnerable
situation. So explain calmly what's worrying you and show them the
information so you can work out together what to do next.
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