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How you can help your relationship
During stressful times, couples often
find it very hard to communicate and may feel misunderstood
or simply not heard by their partner.
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At times like this, both
partners will cope better if they find ways of supporting each
other. However, men
and women often have very different views on how to be supportive.
He may feel she wants him to find the answers, whereas what she
really wants is to share her desperation at feeling unable to
meet their baby's needs. Above all, she may want reassurance that
she's doing her best and is a good mother. Perhaps he feels that
his role, if he is the 'breadwinner', is not appreciated - he
may crave attention and feel angry with his partner (and the baby).
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"It's better if you talk it out rather
than shouting and screaming at one another when the kids
are in bed. I think it's worse anyway when they're lying
up there listening to the pair of us yelling. We set apart
one night a month to go out on our own, not as a husband
and wife with kids at home, but as a couple, I think it
gives us back our identities... we have a good laugh and
a couple of drinks... because I think you need that time
alone."
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So both can be left feeling unsupported and unloved, which can
lead to further difficulties if this is not dealt with. In reality,
both still want the same things: to be happy together with their
baby and to be comforted and supported by each other. Couples
who get through the difficult early months can find a deeper bond
emerging - there is great pleasure in enjoying your baby
together.
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"It has brought us so much closer together.
I feel we haven't made the mistake of just focusing on him
[the baby] and missing each other."
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Things you can do…
Stay
in touch with yourself and each other
- hold on to your sense of self as a partner or lover and nurture
your relationship with your partner as well as your relationship
with the baby.
Talk
to each other - at times when you are not feeling angry
or resentful about who does what. Make sure your roles feel like
choices rather than the accidental fall-out of having a baby.
Appreciate
one another - and appreciate
the changes that each of you is going through. Men and women often
adjust to their new roles at a different pace so don't assume
your partner is in the same place as you.
Try
not to criticise - judging, accusing and criticising
will not help your situation, although it may be difficult not
to sometimes. Try to understand your partner's point of view -
put yourself in their shoes. Focus on the positive things your
partner does and reward these, so you're encouraging rather than
criticising.
Turn
to somebody
- when things are tough, and partners can't talk, some
turn to friends or family who will give unbiased advice. Building
friendships with people in similar situations can also help. Or
talk to someone else you trust outside your circle, such as the
GP, midwife or health visitor, or someone from the church or faith
community. They are used to talking to couples having a hard time.
Make
time for yourself and each other - as individuals,
to give you a break and ease tension; as a family, by taking care
of the baby together sometimes; and as a couple, by going out
together like you used to. Things like this can help keep you
talking.
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